I recently stumbled upon some old journal entries from Walkabout that were in a different journal. They were from March (except the first one, Feb.), which was 7 of the 9 months in the program. Here are a few interesting excerpts:
"I am weary, sad, lonely, empty...
I just want to go home and find relief."
"I'm so glad it's finally March. I can't believe I've made it so far. Just 2 months left...
I want to go home...
I hate being in a bad mood here. Sometimes I feel like it never ends. I just want to get on with life...
I just want to go home...
Jesus, I am so alone. Please let the next 2 months go by quickly...
When I come home I think I might just weep, to be glad this is all over, to let out all the tears I've held in for months and all the feelings I've suppressed just to survive. I'm so close, so so close."
"I am so sad about life right now...
I don't know who I am anymore....
...why has Walkabout killed me?
...I hate so many things about it. I have so much anger, loneliness, ache, hunger, numbness, coldness, bitterness, grief, hopelessness, hardness, emptiness."
Here's something I wrote to a friend back home around this time:
"...I don't feel like praying will do anything. I'm tired of trying. I just don't feel like anything is going to change. I know I shouldn't give up, but I'm discouraged, and I want to...I just feel like things should be different after 7 months here..."
She responded:
"...Know that I am keeping you uplifted in prayer, especially praying for protection against darkness and that there would be encouragement and joy in these last 2 months at camp...I'll be praying that you see the fruit of your time at Camp Eagle, even if you don't realize it until after you leave."
I responded:
"...[prayers were] immediately answered. I've been having some really good things happen...Things are turning around. But I just gotta keep praying and depending on God..."
So what was going on?
I won't go into why I was struggling in this post, but I want to share the story that came after this. I wrote some of it in my old blog.
(I wrote this one at the beach.) "...God will always come through for me even when I think he's taking too long, and we usually don't need things right now. We can wait just a bit longer because there's more going on beside just us and what we know..."
(Wrote this a couple weeks later.) "...The first night on the beach I just broke down and prayed and cried in my tent. I cried because I'm tired of feeling this way and tired of ignoring it. Everything in me desires God. I just demanded that God not let me leave that beach until I felt close to Him..."
(Not long later, I went home for Easter and was refreshed by the sermon.) "...I had tears spilling over my eyelids as he spoke all these things...His spirit is the spirit of revelation and wisdom. With this spirit in me I can understand and experience the reality and truths of His word. Yes, and I've been praying for that lately and He did it." (I had prayed before this that I would see and feel the gospel with fresh eyes and heart, like it was the first time.)
During that sermon I prayed that God would open my eyes to see spiritual truths. A week later, it was answered. I felt crazy when I was crying because I was so happy and God was blowing my mind. Other people were crying about a situation, and I could only laugh. I had to apologize. "I'm sorry, I really am taking this seriously, but Jesus is just so awesome! Hahahaha! I know this sucks, but I see God working! Hahaha." It went something like that. A bit embarrassing.
At the end of Walkabout, my eyes were opened, and I saw how everything--EVERYTHING--had been the Lord's love for me. Something I've never been able to say completely before.
I find hope in this story. I hope you do as well. It is only a tiny glimpse of God's continued faithfulness to me. This week has been something similar. So I end this saying, cry out to God. And just trust Him in your pain.
"In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears." Psalm 18:6
"Put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption." Psalm 130:7
No comments:
Post a Comment